I almost didn’t stop to visit Sam.
“Too busy. No time. I’ll stop another time.”
But something made me pull off the highway.
Sam and his wife Doris lived next to me for over a decade.
After a snowstorm, I could always count on Sam to show up to plow my driveway.
And they could count on me to drop by with apple pie or gingerbread or whatever my grandmother had baked for Wednesday night dinners at her house.
Sam and I joked that I’m like the daughter he never knew he had… or wanted 🙂
Even after I moved in 2007, Sam and I stayed in touch.
A few years later Doris passed away and Sam relocated to a skilled care facility for veterans.
Here we are on one of our visits.
The Holyoke Soldier’s Home has seen a huge spike in people testing positive for COVID-19 – Sam was one.
In the past few weeks, a stunning 75 residents have died.
Sadly, this son of immigrant parents, World War II navy veteran, devoted husband, father, and grandfather, and my dear friend Sam Lococco was one.
(If you’d like to, you can watch a moving final salute to Sam, click here.)
Just weeks ago, we were all trekking along living our lives.
Then a global pandemic turned everyone’s world upside down in an instant.
For me, the upheaval began months earlier.
In November, my brother-in-law was diagnosed with colon cancer.
Eddie and my sister Debbie met in high school and he’s one of the nicest people I know.
In December, my world was once again rocked when one of my closest friends was also diagnosed with cancer.
I’ve known Pete since college when he and a couple of his pals from the UMass Lacrosse team moved into the apartment below. (Guys downstairs, “girls” upstairs.)
Like most young males Pete had a “healthy” appetite.
One that earned him the nickname What’s-to-Eat-Pete.
His most enduring nickname though was Pete-Dog.
(Also pictured here, Amy-Dog, Sue-Dog, Lynn-Dog, and a very young Val-Dog.)
In January, I attended a memorial service for a local woman named Deirdre.
We’d known each other for 30+ years and shared many mutual friends, but we didn’t hang out.
Still, Deidre’s death hit me hard.
Perhaps it was because we were the same age.
Or because she was robbed of her recent retirement from teaching high school science.
What We Say Vs. What We Do
What all life-changing events share in common is a sudden focus on priorities.
It could be the loss of a loved one…
It might be a serious illness or accident – or own or someone close to us…
Or the collective pain of a senseless mass shooting… the 911 attacks… or now COVID-19…
In these moments, we stop whatever crazy treadmill we’re on to remember what matters most.
We reflect on what we really want from life.
And for a few days anyway, social media is filled with reminders to live each day to the fullest.
Yet we rarely make any real or lasting changes.
Once the immediate shock and grief fade, most of us go back to the way things were. Busy as ever.
At least that’s been the case for me.
The last time a crisis moved me to make a significant life change was 27 years ago.
That’s when my mother died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack. My mom was just 61 and five months from retirement.
It was the catalyst to my leaving my 90-mile-a-day commute to take a job at a smaller company closer to home.
A few months into the new job it hit me…
I didn’t need a new job. I didn’t even need a new career.
I needed a whole new life.
So in 1995, I started the Changing Course Newsletter to serve others looking to follow their own road.
I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished in the last 25 years.
But like everyone else, I’ve fallen into “too busy” mode.
Too busy to visit Sam as often as I could…
Too busy to exercise…
Too busy to do all sorts of things that matter far more than whatever I was doing at the time.
Maybe you’ve felt the same.
Regret Nothing
My friend Pete Berry turned 62 in May.
He retired from his job and threw himself into his real passion — making pottery.
Here he is at the Harvard Ceramics Studio where he also taught.
And here’s some of his beautiful handiwork in my dining room.
In December, we learned Pete’s cancer was incurable. He died March 9th.
Pete left this world surrounded by his wife Andy (also my college friend), his brother Steve, and our dear friend Sue-Dog on the hospice floor of a Boston hospital.
Then COVID-19 came roaring into our lives, and five days later Massachusetts hospitals were closed to visitors.
Losing my friend has been incredibly painful.
Yet I’m so grateful we were able to say our tearful goodbyes in person. Sadly, Sam’s family and so many others cannot.
In one of our last conversations, Peter said, “I’m too young to die, Val.”
He was right. And I still haven’t fully processed the fact that he’s gone.
What breaks my heart all the more is knowing that my incredibly funny, sensitive, gifted, and very dear friend left this world full of regrets about dreams deferred and unrealized potential…
I worry I will too.
That’s why I was so moved by Deirdre’s passing.
Her obituary began with “[she] died as she lived, on her own terms.”
Deirdre wanted to learn saxophone and play in bands, be a docent at the greenhouse at Smith College, paint, garden, learn about birds, local history, start a dog walking business, join a board for a non-profit, give service to a local aid organization. She did every one of these things and so much more.
In other words, Deirdre regretted nothing.
How many of us can say that?
What Will You Most Regret?
Barbara Bush once said, “At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child or a parent.”
For many of us, regrets include failing to act on our dreams.
What if you took a moment right now to write down the two or three things you’d most regret not doing…
- learning a language or how to play an instrument…
- opening a little shop
- getting your art into a gallery…
- running fly fishing expeditions…
- starting an online business…
- living and working on an island or in the heart of Paris or anywhere you like…
- running a coaching business out of an RV as you travel the country…
- writing a book…
- getting your photos published…
- living and working on your own terms…
Now more than ever, we need to inspire one another to do more than talk about our dreams, but to take steps to live as regret-free a life as possible.
So, what if you went one step further and actually named one small step you could take to move closer to your dream?
Finally, what if you took the really powerful step of publically declaring your intention?
When you do, it makes the dream real.
Sharing is also a way to hold ourselves accountable to follow through.
Scroll down now to share YOUR dream in the comments section.
Then forward the blog to a friend who can help hold your feet to the fire!
I Need Your Prayers
Not surprisingly, I’ve been re-evaluating my priorities as well.
In fact, I have a major announcement coming soon.
Until then though, please join me in praying in whatever form that takes for you.
Pray for those who’ve lost their lives and for those left behind.
Pray for those who are still fighting for their lives.
Pray for everyone in the medical and hospital community from the EMTs, to the doctors and nurses, to the low wage workers who clean the rooms, prepare the meals, work security…
Pray for the people who are driving our buses and trucks or who work at the grocery stores and in the warehouses.
Pray for everyone suffering financial hardships here in the US as well as those millions around the world who have no soap or running water.
And pray for the wisdom and courage to live your life without regrets.
Lastly, it would mean a lot to me and my family if you could send prayers and healing energy to my brother-in-law Eddie.
Thank you and stay safe!
Then off to Stamford to borrow my friend Ryan Lee’s brain for a few hours before my presentation at Connecticut College.
A few days later I was on a plane for Phoenix to attend Suzanne Evans’ and Larry Winget’s Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Start Making Money event.
From there I headed east to Park City home of Robert Redford’s famed Sundance Film Festival. I was there to deliver the keynote for Utah Women Lawyer’s annual retreat. The 5-star St. Regis was fabulous and the views spectacular – although I hadn’t really dressed for snow!
Winner of eight French football/soccer championships fellow speaker Nicole Abar is no stranger to social barriers. Being half Algerian meant Nicole grew up under the weight of racism.
That is until I ran into an enterprising geographer named António Tavares trying to drum up customers 
for his new tour business. Greenwalk is the only Portuguese tour company that caters to nature-lovers as well as to people who are sight-impaired.
So much of luck is really about just going for it and seeing what comes of it.
Jon isn’t quoted in the book. But I thought he’ll get a kick out of some of the amusing stories in there about other news people like Ted Koppel, Walter Cronkite, and Daniel Schorr and various quotes from people in government including Hilary Clinton, Dee Myers, and Margaret Thatcher.
New York is full of people who grabbed the ball. I was so inspired by the two people who were behind the restoration of 
On the flip side, there’s a danger in viewing success solely in terms of luck. You see someone who is living your dream of writing children’s books, being a motivational speaker, hosting her own radio show, or running her own Mexican pop stand and you think, She’s so lucky. 
The last few weeks in western Massachusetts can be summed up in one word – RAIN! 
And if you’ve been to my house you know I’m a compulsive rock hound.
So after admiring the remarkable images in Lew’s book 
In the Life
One of the bigger Wows came in the form of a serendipitous voice mail from a close friend I’ve known since junior high — who I might add, never, 
As you can see Cokie has a new friend. Her name is Early and she lives at one of the places Cokie stays when I’m on the road. Being a kitten she’s much more interested in him than the other way around. I’m just glad they get along!
After 25 Years, Parting Advice from the Dreamer in Residence at Changing Course
I’m writing to let you know that after a quarter of a century as the Dreamer in Residence at Changing Course, I’m stepping down.
If you read my recent post “Regret Nothing”, you’re probably not surprised.
I told you about some recent losses in my life and a family member battling cancer.
I talked about how times of loss or crisis remind us to take nothing for granted, most especially time.
About how now — more than ever — we need to ask ourselves, what would I most regret not doing?
It’s a question I asked myself in 1995. For me, the answer was crystal clear.
The thing I would most regret is never being my own boss.
What a Ride!
That journey began with the crazy idea to publish a newsletter for other burned out cubicle dwellers.
Over these 25 years, I’ve had experiences I could have never imagined possible.
I’ve gotten business advice from Sir Richard Branson and Gary Vaynerchuk.
I was invited to speak at a travel writer and photography class in Paris and at an International Living magazine conference in Panama.
Changing Course has been cited in dozens of newspapers and magazines in the US and Canada including The Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe, The Oregonian, Redbook, Kiplinger’s, Self, Woman’s Day, and many more.
Entrepreneur’s Start Up magazine not only dedicated an entire page to my 10 Steps to Escape the Job World and Create the Life You Really Want they even sent a photographer to my house!
I helped hundreds of coaching clients connect the dots between what they love to do and how they can make money doing it.
Over 350 people from 19 countries took my course on how to get paid to brainstorm.
I led half a dozen Work at What You Love workshops around the country with Barbara Winter.
At the end of each, Barbara and I would turn to each other and say, “I think we helped change some lives today.”
Among them, Dyan DiNapoli who transformed herself into the Penguin Lady only to far surpass her wildest dreams.
And, as I noted in my recent tribute to the late Barbara Sher, I had the incredible experience of co-leading a four-day retreat in the Rocky Mountains with the very women who inspired my own dream, Barbara Winter and Barbara Sher.
I’m not telling you this to impress you.
I’m telling you this because far too many people only see the successful end result.
They don’t understand that every business big and small, started from nothing more than an idea.
Starting Out in 1995
One sure way to kill a dream is to wait until you’ve got everything 100 percent figured out before you begin.
For example, I began as the Making a Living Doing What You Love newsletter.
After two issues though, I realized that loving your work is nice – but it’s just the frosting on the cake.
The “cake” was being able to live life on your own terms.
So I came up with a new name, one that better spoke to people like me who were desperate to take the leap from having a boss to being their own boss.
I’d never published a newsletter, but I found a training program on cassette that gave me the basics. (I think I found them in a classified ad in Entrepreneur magazine.)
I bought some basic publishing software for my Mac and a designer friend at my old job did the initial layout.
A few years later I realized people might actually pay me for the informal advice-giving and resource sharing I’d already been doing with shuttle drivers, wait staff, and other disgruntled employees.
Mind you I had no formal training in either coaching or career counseling.
Which was fine because I had no interest in administering skills assessments or personality profiles or doing any of the other things traditional career advisers do to help people find their dream “job.”
I wanted to help people create their own job.
So one day I just hung out my shingle as an “outside the job box” career coach.
Over time other entrepreneurially-minded “idea people” told me they’d love to do what I do.
So I used lessons learned from my own experience to create the first and only training program to teach them how.
In the mid-90s getting on the “world wide web” meant knowing HTML.
I didn’t have a lot of money, but I did have a phone.
So I called a local community college to see if students in their HTML class needed a case study.
I got a free website and the two 40-something career changers who created it got to build their portfolio.
This was my first site.
Why Now?
For starters, when I launched the newsletter I was 40.
Last November I turned 65.
This is where you immediately go to the comments section to say, OMG, you don’t LOOK 65! 🙂
My mom died unexpectedly of a heart attack five months before her much awaited retirement. I’ve already outlived her by four years.
She left behind boxes full of material for quilts she’d never get to make and a lifetime of photos she’d planned to organize but never got the chance.
I know too many people who lived for their retirement day only to die just before or shortly after.
My Dad couldn’t wait to retire.
He liked to say he was going to spend the first few months sitting in a rocking chair.
Then after a few months, he was going to start rocking… very slowly.
I have no intention of sitting in a rocking chair.
In fact, I’m incredibly busy leading webinars and sketching out a new book.
And I’m looking forward to having more time to pursue other interests like actively addressing climate change and learning to do mosaics.
The other reason I’m stepping down is simple: It’s time.
Jon Stewart announced his retirement from The Daily Show by saying, “This show doesn’t deserve an even slightly restless host.”
The fact is, I’ve been struggling with this decision for a while now.
Up until recently, I was juggling three investment properties. Happily, I’m down to one.
On top of that, I also have a thriving speaking business on something called impostor syndrome.
Learning that there was a name for the secret fear that others will discover we’re not really as intelligent, talented, or qualified as others “think” we are, was the impetus for my graduate research.
I’ve been leading workshops on the subject on and off since the 1980s.
Then in 2008, I got a six-figure book deal with Random House.
It took me two and a half years to write the book. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
When it finally came out in 2011 speaking invitations picked up.
In the last three years, they’ve exploded.
I’ve been to Portugal, Switzerland, England, and Denmark and spoken at organizations like Google, Microsoft, Dell, Blizzard Entertainment, Rakuten, Oxford University, NASA, the National Cancer Institute, and my personal favorite, Romance Writers of America.
The point is, all this obviously left a lot less time to focus on Changing Course.
And it wasn’t fair to anyone – most especially you.
What’s Next for Changing Course?
The other thing Jon Stewart said was, “In my heart I know it’s time for someone else to have this opportunity.”
It felt wrong to just hang out a “closed” sign. Especially now when more people than ever need help.
That’s why I’m thrilled to announce that the perfect duo stepped forward to take the strong foundation I’ve built and run with it.
Drum roll, please…
Meet the new Dreamers in Residence Arthurine Walker and Kate Fessler!
Kate and Arthurine will introduce themselves in more detail next time.
What I can tell you is that you’re in really good hands.
I met them when they took my Profiting from Your Passions coach training.
Even though they were both in the Class of 2007, since it was a teleclass, Kate and Arthurine didn’t meet until they teamed up to take over the reins at Changing Course.
It seems fitting that 13 years later the students would go on to take the teacher’s place.
For now, I’m not going anywhere.
The three of us are working together on an upcoming Work at What You Love Virtual Workshop. Stay tuned for details soon!
And I’ll definitely be involved in promoting and teaching the Profiting from Your Passions Career Coach Training Summer School.
Before I wrap up my final newsletter, I’d like to share some parting wisdom on what it really takes to change course.
Parting Advice #1 You Don’t Need Confidence — Really
If I’d waited until I felt ready… until I thought that I knew enough… until I felt confident – I’d still be in my cubicle.
In 1998 USA Weekend magazine article was dedicating an entire edition to the impact of the 1990 recession on families.
The editor asked if I could contribute some tips for two-income households looking to downsize to one income.
I knew nothing about it.
But I said yes anyway.
I mean, how hard could it be?
I called a financial planner for his advice and talked to a few couples who’d done it.
Add to that a dash of common sense and voila! I had my own sidebar of tips and free advertising for Changing Course to their millions of readers.
Fast forward to 2020 and every one of us has a PhD in Google.
You don’t need confidence to start a business because you don’t need to know everything.
You just need to be smart enough to figure it out.
Just say yes and learn as you go.
Parting Advice #2 It Really Is All Small Steps
Most dreams die because we give up too soon.
I know how easy it is to feel like you’re not making progress.
That’s why starting in 1996 I started documenting the things I’d accomplished each year.
It was my way of assuring myself, See Valerie, you are making progress.
Everyone wants to be in their dream life right now. But that’s not how it works.
Michelangelo didn’t sculpt David in a day. He literally chipped away at it bit by bit.
Take for instance this very announcement.
It took me f-o-r-e-v-e-r to write.
I didn’t edit it once; I edited it at least 20 times!
The thing is, you’re not “writing a book or a blog post or your website.”
You’re writing a sentence, then another one and another one.
You’re not “becoming a speaker.”
You’re outlining your talk (which trust me, you’ll then change hundreds of times).
You’re not “starting a landscaping business.”
You’re looking up local competition to see how you’ll do things differently, better, faster, higher-end, or more affordable.
Then you take another small step and another and another.
It may not sound glamorous, but it really is all small steps.
The important thing is to begin.
Parting Advice #3: Besides, It’s Not About You
One of my clients had spent years lovingly caring for an ailing parent.
After “Kim’s” mother passed she began to write a play about her experience.
Then she stopped.
Kim wasn’t afraid of failure she was afraid of success.
“What if my play is a hit,” she said, “then I’d have to play big.”
I invited her to imagine a sold-out theater full of people…
… to feel the excitement in the crowd…
…to know that among them were people who’d been through a similar experience and were eager for their own joy and pain to be honored by the words she’d scripted…
…to watch as the lights dimmed and the curtain rose to reveal an empty stage…
…and finally to picture herself, the almost playwright coming out to announce…
“I’m sorry, there will be no play tonight. I was too afraid of being great to write it.”
Can playing big be scary?
You bet.
It’s even harder if you’ve spent your life putting others’ needs before your own.
Even when you do manage to convince yourself that you are worthy, to suddenly move your own dream to the front burner can feel selfish.
All the more reason you need to see that everyone loses when you play small.
There are people out there right this very minute who want and deserve to benefit from your full range of knowledge, abilities, and skills.
So instead of the proverbial question, “What would you do if money were no object?” ask yourself, What sort of difference could I make if fear was not a factor?
Speaking of dreams…
You’re Invited to My Retirement Party!
Stay tuned for some sort of Valerie’s Retirement Party + Changing Course’s 25th Anniversary + Grand Re-Opening celebration.
With COVID-19 it’s not yet clear whether all or parts will be virtual. Or if it will be one party or separate celebrations.
No matter what, it won’t be until at least the fall.
For now, I’d love to hear from people who, via Changing Course, have been inspired to live the mission I established 25 years ago…
Live life on purpose
Work at what you love
Follow your own road
When did you start reading the Changing Course Newsletter – and why?
Was there a resource or an idea in the newsletter that sparked your own entrepreneurial journey?
Was there a particular book or audio that helped you?
Were you on one of the many teleclasses I ran with inspiring self-bossers like the maker of I Love Chicken Poop lip balm or the guy who started a successful online Bible study business or the woman whose craft instruction business was so successful her husband quit his job to join her?
Did we do a career coaching session together?
Did you attend one of the workshops…
Making Dreams Happen in Boulder, Colorado?
Work at What You Love in Northampton, Massachusetts; Madison, Wisconsin; or Ventura, California?
Dreams Can’t Wait in Kennebunkport, Maine?
Did you come all the way from Alaska or Sweden or Israel or Mexico or Montreal to participate in one of the small retreats I ran at my home in Montague?
Did you venture off to Ecuador for the Relax, Renew, Reinvent workshop?
I’d love to hear from you here!
(just scroll down to the comment section below)
And, please don’t worry if you don’t think you’ve done “enough.”
Or if you started and stopped or otherwise got stalled.
As Mary Ann Evans, writing under her pen name George Eliot, wrote, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”
Heck, Gramma Moses didn’t start painting until into her 80s!
Finally, I’m deeply grateful to Lisa Tarrant for leaving her job-job 19 years ago to go on this crazy ride with me (and for being shorter than me :)) I couldn’t have grown Changing Course without her.
Thanks too, to Melinda Ashley for jumping into a whole new world of virtual assisting to lend us a hand!
Most of all, I want to thank all of you for honoring me with your attention all these years.
Knowing you trusted me with your dreams has meant the world to me.